Wardrobe Challenged Agent

Bond. James Bond.

Martini, shaken … not stirred.

Great quotes from 007. 007 was James Bond’s codename when he was a spy for the SIS, which stands for the British Secret Intelligence Service. A master clandestine covert agent for MI6 (military intelligence section 6) and the epitome of what one calls a “Secret/Special Agent.” Who doesn’t like James Bond … aside from Dr. No, Odd Job et al.

Listen, the dude was the coolest. Right? I mean he was a jet-setting, womanizing, dashing man with a quick wit and a quicker finger. Always impeccably dressed, barely a bead of sweat on his brow, he would cruise in his custom-made DB5 Aston Martin with secret weapons here and there and the ability to out maneuver any villain and leave them in his wake. He always got his man … one way or another.

Bond would, in fact, get caught occasionally but would he ‘give it up?’ Even as the guy was strapped to a chair, naked, as in “Casino Royale” and the latest bad guy to interrogate him was striking his testicles with a carpet beater, how did he respond? Not by answering ‘La Chiffre’s’ question … no, no. In his calmest, most debonair’ manner, he looked the attacker square in his eyes and said, “Now the whole world will know that you died scratching my balls.”

The utmost in cool.

That was Bond.

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Sheppard. Phillip Sheppard.

Roller skate. Roller skate … backwards.

I say ‘yes’ when others say ‘no.’

Ooooo, did you feel it? Didn’t you just get chills when you heard those words for the first time?

Phillip Sheppard is a contestant on the reality TV spectacle and ratings baby, Survivor on CBS.

Couldn’t you tell almost immediately that this man, this middle-aged man, was an individual who was going to be one tough nut to crack. I mean really, he had the look, the eyes of someone special. The boldness and collectiveness in his demeanor that oozed confidence and strength. He appeared to be in decent shape and as he scoped out the other players in this game of physical and mental challenges, we all knew that this guy would be left standing at the end. Phillip Sheppard was … this game’s James Bond.

Of course I hadn’t realized that Mr. Sheppard was, in fact, a true to life former special agent. What? You must be kidding. In my assessment during those initial episodes of good ol’ Phillip I just thought he carried himself in such a way that, indeed, he could very well have had some military background. Could be. As Phillip landed on the shores of his tribe’s beach you could tell that he was a man of action. Phil took control of the entire group of kids and adults alike and sent them on their missions of gathering wood, building shelter and locating local foods. It seemed to matter not that on his tribe was a man who was a legend in the game, Boston Rob Mariano. Phillip knew his rival and yet he made the decision to ‘be the man.’ He knew, he just knew that this collection of guys and gals needed some guidance and there was no one better qualified than he.

Go get ’em, Phillip!

During that first encounter where I met the man on my television screen, did I really comprehend that he was this special agent during a past employment? Of course not. Phillip was going about his business, doing his thing and setting up the shelter and barking orders to his tribe-mates. At one point he felt compelled to share this information with the audience. He gathered the cameraman to a tiny, secluded spot and had to explain to all who were listening that yes, he was a former special agent. He, at that moment in time, was still not sure if he was going to ‘spill the beans’ to the rest of his comrades for fear of being deemed a target. For being ‘just too smart’ in these situations. That for him being this ‘former special agent’ qualified him to be the ‘guy in charge.’ Poor Phillip was distraught on just what to do. He seemingly decided to keep this information to himself for fear of being eliminated. His wish was to offer assistance, guidance, be loyal and show respect. He felt compelled to keep his former occupation to himself.

Sure he did.

As work began around camp and Rob was beginning the shelter building, Phillip took other tasks to hand. For instance, he pretty much got in the ladies faces and loudly and colorfully explained, or excuse me, told them to not dig holes in any particular way. Do it this way, and so on. Tactful was not who he was. Aggressive and forceful was he.

If I remember correctly, the show continued for not more than 5 minutes and at that stage the other males members of Phillip’s tribe left the camp. In all his wisdom, our man of the hour asks all of the women in their tribe to gather around him because he has something that needs to be said. As any great agent would do in this situation, Phillip tells them all that he is a former special agent. He just tells them without hesitation. He goes on by explaining that because of this, he is trustworthy and able to discern if people are telling the truth or not. He also decides to say that he has 7 sisters and he loves women. After these outrageous statements he then asks for individual hugs and kisses each of them. To me it looked as if each of the women were a tad creeped out and didn’t truly care what was escaping from his mouth. One gal thought the whole thing was completely comical.

I ask you, is this how a special agent would act? His thoughts only a few minutes prior was to keep all of his personal information close to the vest. Boom … he tells it all. Oh, and don’t worry, as soon as the guys returned he once again was eager to pin his special agent badge to his chest. Good for Phillip. Brilliant. Indeed comical. Not bright. To me a poor decision.

Remember, this is all in hour number one. He’s terrible with both sexes in dealing with their psyches. He’s special all right.

Picture this: A 52-year-old male, not unlike a stay-puff man, walking around in baggy, fuchsia briefs that the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz would be embarrassed to wear and all the while the girls are not only suffering from their gag reflex but are willing, with all their might, that his junk won’t fall out only to embarrass him further. This guy is not cool. Not in the least.

WWBD?  (what would Bond do?)  Certainly none of what this man was accomplishing. Absolutely none of it.

As time rolls on and the tribe has the honor of delving into our agent’s mind and sees who he really is, they still don’t know if they can trust him or if his crazy flakiness is somewhat endearing. No one knows for sure but they do know he gives up a lot of information during tribal councils. He scares most of his mates.

Jeff Probst … the MC of the show and the instigator for most of the drama around these camps, was quoted this way:  “Phillip is everything you could ask for from a Survivor contestant. He’s so damn sincere, so earnest. I truly can’t get enough. I know a lot of you (the audience) hate him, save it for the comments section. I’m in ‘Camp Phillip.’

Probst goes on comparing Sheppard to Del, the shower curtain guy from the film, ‘Planes, Trains and Automobiles.’ “John Candy portrayed  Del, the loud mouthed, overweight, inappropriate salesman that Steve Martin meets while both are stuck trying to get home in a snow storm. The entire time you’re watching the movie, you can see why Del drives Steve Martin nuts. He’s frigging annoying as hell. Del even says at one point, “I know I’m an easy target … but you know what? I like me … and my friends like me.”

By the end of the movie, you not only like Del, you are rooting for Steve Martin to see what you see – that Del is really a good person. He’s just different, that’s all.”

So … is that really Phillip? Probst thinks so.

It’s the way Phillip conducts himself. He’s a flip-flopper. Still in the initial episode he sorta aligned himself with Boston Rob (Mariano wanted him close to keep an eye on him) only to waltz over to someone else and share all that was said. Upon arriving at Tribal Council, Phillip then, with Probst orchestrating, opened up and told everybody everything. No secrets here. The tribe as a whole was stunned. The dude just can’t keep anything to himself. Who’s going to trust him at this point? A special agent, seems unlikely.

His future is in doubt and his claim to being a special agent has everyone baffled.

As I did some investigation, Mr. Sheppard is no James Bond. Apparently there’s a huge difference between a ‘special’ and a ‘secret’ agent. A ‘secret agent’ can be special but not the other way around. Phillip worked, after 4 1/2 years in the Army, for DIS which changed its name to the DSS. (The Defense Security Service) There, he was a special agent … not at a federal law enforcement agency. “The DSS oversees the protection of US & foreign classified information in the band of industry, administers the National Industrial Security Program for the Dept of Defense to include issuance of security clearance to industry, supports the Office of Personal Management in the conduct of personal security investigations for the DoD, provides security education & training core security disciplines to the DoD Community & provides the information technology services that support the industrial and personal security missions of the DoD and its partners.”

Gobbledygook. Government spew. Did any of that make sense? It’s no wonder our Phillip sounds like he’s from another planet.

With all the above in mind, here’s what it sounds like … Phillip was a background investigator for industrial needs. Ooooo, I suppose that does qualify him as ‘the leader of the pack.’ Hilarious. I just had to find out.

I sincerely hope that Phillip makes it to the jury. I can’t fathom that he’ll wear the crown so that’s the next best thing. His delusional rantings will end up being epic. I just know he’ll whip out his gorilla and lion tattoos and, once again, describe that he lives in a primal state by sharing the observational skills of a gorilla (he feels a special kinship to the silver-back who watches over his band) and the fierceness of a lion. (he knows his roar … which he performed at Tribal Council … will be so profound and deliberate that nothing will ever compare to what he says during any Tribal Council)

During the last Redemption Island Duel, two contestants were beginning a challenge of endurance. Probst, fittingly, asks Phillip,”I a situation like this, what do you do to be successful?” Our version of a special agent goes off on a long, 15 minute bat-shit crazy description of the Samurai Bushido code that equates it to the code that one of the challengers lives by … Christian. An exceedingly long description.

Phillip’s infatuation with anything Samurai has him compared to another recent crazy from the show … Coach. Lucky to be in that dugout, Phillip. You two could duke it out for supreme “King of all things Nuts.’

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James Bond would’ve made all the women swoon and manipulated all the men so as to be putty in his hands. Bond knew people and how they’d act in certain situations and, in turn, react in his favor. His cool demeanor would allow him to address anything that came his way. His physicality and skills would put him over the top in challenges but still be in control of his tribe. Bond had all of that. He was a ‘special agent.’ His one-liners were classic, as in the above example. Here’s another: In “You Only Live Twice” a woman, Tiffany Case says, “In Japan rule #2 is that Japanese men come 1st, women come 2nd.” Bond replies, ” I just may retire here.”  Enough said.

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Phillip is in dire straits in the up-coming weeks as his personality just may get him booted off towards Redemption Island where he may not survive. He’s a unique character who makes the show interesting and fun to watch. You just can’t keep your eyes off of him and he’ll be remembered for many seasons and reasons. Phillip is a special agent even if he was dropped off in the short bus. Go Phillip. I, too, am in your camp.

Phillip … a teammate who’s loyal, devoted, obedient, feels a duty, has “filial piety” (in Chinese Confucian this means, a virtue held above all else is respect for parents and ancestors), respectful, self-sacrificial, and will honor to the death. This is the “Ways of the Warrior” code  for the Japanese Bushido. Under this code, if a Samurai warrior fails to uphold his honor, he could regain it by performing ‘seppuku.’ (ritual suicide)

Yikes. Does he truly live by this or is he the African-American Coach Wade? I hope we find out at some point.

Phillip … a lover a women. To a fault, it’s possible he is 007-like. I can only imagine that he aspired to make connections with the young ladies but his considerably lengthy dialogs may turn them off. (As does his wardrobe.) It is unfortunate that his way with words are not more like Bond, however. Bond was pointed with his words. Short. Concise. Sarcastic and humorous.Phillip makes stew out of the English language even though he feels as if he’s articulate. By mispronouncing words so often it equates him with a simple man and not one to admire. His tongue seems to be quicker than his mind. Of course he has to contend with ‘dry mouth’ and there are a few fans out there who believe that he’s suffering from withdrawal from his affection for the evil weed. Pure conjecture on that.

No one’s perfect, right Mr. Sheppard?

Will we see Phillip at the end or will his torch be doused prior to the jury selection? If ejected is it possible he could ascend via Redemption duels? We wait. We watch. We listen.

The Season of Phillip. Former Special Agent.

(Thanks for the inspiration, Jeff T.)

Reiny                     (note: I’m in a ‘entertainment only’ Survivor pool with a randomly selected contestant. My player: Phillip)